


Sometimes

by LiaIsInLove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depressed Niall, Depression, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Niall-centric, Other, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Niall, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Niall, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-25
Updated: 2015-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-09 00:33:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3229502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/LiaIsInLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes being alive hurts.</p><p>Massive trigger warnings for mental illness and suicide.  Please do not read if you have any chance whatsoever of being triggered by this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. This one is loaded. But I am so incredibly serious when I say DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED. I don't care who you are, if reading this might cause you any harm, then I am begging you not to. I know that there are plenty of you who will read this anyways with the purpose of triggering yourself, and for those people, I am begging you not to. It's not worth it, and I can preemptively say that it's just fan fiction, real life is better anyways, you're not missing anything crucial to your life, and I'd much rather you be safe and happy having not read my writing than miserable and in a dangerous place having read it.
> 
> To those of you who do read this, do not fool yourselves into thinking that the issues I am discussing are at all romantic. Do not think that mental illness is merely a plot-line to be used to romanticize the suffering of characters and add drama to a plot. Because it is not. It is not something that you wish upon anyone, real or fictitious, and it is not something that you desire to have for 'attention.' Do not read this purely for the angst, and then go comfortably off thinking that this was a good story line. This is not beautiful, this is not fantasy, and this is not simply a plot-line.
> 
> This is about living with severe mental illness. It is from the point of view of someone who suffers from several mental illnesses, and subsequently may seem like it condones some extremely harmful and dangerous behaviors. This is from a perspective distorted by disease. THIS IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER JUSTIFIES, CONDONES, OR MAKES LIGHT OF ANY DANGEROUS BEHAVIORS OR THOUGHTS. 
> 
> Alright, more notes at the end. But seriously. Please do not read if you are not in a safe place.

Sometimes being alive hurts.  It hurts so badly you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.  But that’s just a fantasy. Sometimes being alive is unbearable.  You can’t take another second trapped inside your body, because being you is just too much, too hard, too torturous, too agonizing.  Sometimes being alive is like sleeping on a bed of serrated knives; with every move, your flesh is ripped apart by cold daggers.  And you crave the pain because it alleviates some of the turmoil inside of you.  Sometimes being alive is so lonely your heart aches with the empty sadness you have come to know only too well.  You wish you could turn invisible so that maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.  Sometimes being alive is so overwhelming you try to strangle yourself so that you have a reason why you can't breathe.  Yet somehow you're treacherous hands always betray you, stopping before you are dead. Sometimes being alive is like a book without pages; it’s still a book but it’s absolutely meaningless. You wish you could rip out the pages of your brain, so that you don't have to be left with the memories.  Sometimes being alive feels like your head is buzzing with stinging hornets and barbed wire.  And there's nothing you can do to alleviate the pain inside your skull (though slamming your head into the concrete always seems so tempting).  Sometimes being alive is just so pointless.  All you want is to have never been born.  Sometimes being alive is pure Hell.  Everything hurts more than you could ever have imagined.  Sometimes being alive makes you want to kill somebody.  You need everyone to know that you are a monster.  Sometimes being alive is like being possessed by the devil.  You're no longer in control; you're a hollow shell controlled by a heartless demon.  Sometimes being alive is just too much. You pray that death comes soon. Sometimes being alive is overrated. So you begin plotting the ways in which you can end your life.  Sometimes being alive is not an option.  And so you swallow the pills and count down the seconds until you feel nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, I am begging you to please get the help that you need.
> 
> Suicide & Other Support Hotlines:
> 
> World-wide   
> http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122914996788/suicide-hotlines-worldwide  
> http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
> 
> USA   
> http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122915395263/suicide-hotlines-usa
> 
> UK  
> http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122915280248/suicide-hotlines-uk
> 
> You are worth it. You are so special and so important, and you deserve to get help and get better. I may not know you but I promise that you are worth it.
> 
> If you are ever need someone to remind you of this, or you need someone to talk to, or encourage you, or believe in you, or if you just need a friend, know that I am always here for you. You can find me on tumblr at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> I love you all so much and I hope that each and every one of you find the happiness and peace in life that you deserve.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


End file.
